Apple of Conflict

“Two things are important in resolving conflicts: First, stop wondering what the other person's fault is. Second, begin to wonder what is wrong with ourselves.”

“This apple is for the most beautiful.”

There is a story in ancient Greek mythology that has fascinated scholars. and philosophers for centuries is the story of The “Apple of Conflict” begins with a simple object, the “Golden Apple,” based on the Greek mythology “Eris,” the goddess of conflict. Not invited to the wedding of Pelias and Thetis for revenge Eris threw a golden apple with the inscription “Callisti,” which means “for the most beautiful,” into the party. This led to a heated debate between three goddesses: Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite, each of whom had a claim to the golden apple.

"Zeus" the supreme god Don't want to decide for yourself Therefore, he gave this duty to “Paris”, Prince of Troy. In which the three goddesses offered rewards for Paris to give the golden apple to her, with "Hera" promising power, "Athena" promising wisdom and victory in war, and "Aphrodite" ” promised the love of the most beautiful woman in the world, “Helen” of Sparta. In the end, Paris chose to give the apple to “Aphrodite.” The decision This time It led to the kidnapping of “Helen” and ignited the Trojan War, a great war in Greek legend.

“Decisions that seem small can have a big impact.” This is the challenge for leaders as their decisions have a profound impact on organizations, businesses and families, especially when those decisions involve those we love and care about deeply.

Divide wealth fairly?

Start with a simple question. By dividing one apple between two children

Mother stands in the kitchen holding an apple. She is facing a problem that is not as big as Paris's decision. But it is no less important in the feelings of a mother like you. Mom has two children that she loves dearly. And she must decide who to give her only apple to. Her wish is to make both her children happy. and avoid conflict

What should she do?

Giving an apple to the eldest child because he's the older one? Give an apple to your youngest child because you believe in the values ​​of caring for the weaker? Or split the apples equally among your children. Together for equality? Each choice has its own reasons and produces different results. Including this decision of the mother will be a life lesson for the children. In matters of justice, love, and the use of power by those in power… like you.

power and decision making

Family decision-making involves power. and the relationship between leaders and family members. What the decision-making process will look like depends on the two factors above, for example, parents had power over their children when they were children because they were the ones who raised them. And according to the law, parents also have “Coverage” over the child until the child is 2 years of age[1] And even though the child has grown into an adult Parents still have “power” over their children with what is called “Gratitude” or the social norm of “gratitude” includes the power that comes from having assets still in your parents' name! (That is, the parents are still the legal owners of the property.)

Meanwhile, children also have "power" over their parents. We have all seen children who use the "love and care" that their parents give them as a bargaining tool to pressure their parents in various matters. The parents agree, this is because "relationship" is a factor that gives "power" in the family.

Relationships are power, and “power” affects the decision-making process in the family and in the family business. How can we make decisions that don't lead to great conflicts like the Golden Apple? And the dangers of Troy?

Leaders must choose how to use their power.

The first question in every decision is “Who has the power?”

“Zeus” is the supreme god. But he didn't decide to share the apple himself.

“Zeus” exercised his power by delegating this decision to “Paris,” the prince of Troy.

The use of power by those in power takes many forms. Those in power may exercise power themselves. Or maybe share the power you have with others. Let's decide together. Or will all decision-making power be given to others, such as “Zeus” giving decision-making power to Paris? Therefore, we may divide models of leaders' use of power into 3 models:

Model A is a leadership model that "uses power" that you have yourself, whether it is a single leader or group leader

Model B is a model in which leaders "share power" with other people to join in making decisions.

Model c is a model in which leaders "delegate" their authority to other people or groups of people to make their own decisions. without the leader being involved

All 6 options have different advantages and disadvantages. The appropriateness depends on each situation. For example, if in a family where the children are young, decisions about public matters must be made by the parents (Model 1 or 4) but if it is a period in which the children Starting to help with the business, it may be adjusted to model 2 or 5 (power sharing), or if the parents intend to retire, model 3 or 6 would be most appropriate. That is, giving decision-making power to your children. Let's decide for ourselves, etc.

The general conclusion is that power is gradually transferred from parents to children. gradually over time If parents are 70-80 years old and haven't entered Model B yet, this will be very worrisome! In fact, powerful leaders may not use their power and not delegate it to anyone at all, that is, by not making decisions at all. Which is the worst solution! Because the problem will not be solved. And the group still continues to exist.

3 steps to create creative choices

When we know "who" will be the person using decision-making power. We have to create various options. for decision makers Creating many options The way is to make joint decision making easier. But it must not be too much. Because too many choices will lead to no decision at all. Also known as “Decision Paralysis” is the result of a psychological phenomenon called “Phenomenon of having too many options” or Choice Overload Effect[2] This makes decision making more difficult. Satisfaction decreased And sometimes it may not make a decision at all. Approximately 2-3 options should be an appropriate number for effective joint decision-making.

Step 1 “Set criteria”

In general, there are many forms of determining decision criteria. This may be divided into 2 broad approaches to determining decision criteria:

1) Criteria according to qualifications (Merit-Based Criteria) such as good qualities, abilities, works, or proven value of that person or thing. Criteria according to qualifications It is a popular approach in organizations that want fairness. and transparency in decision making

2) Criteria based on other factors (Non-Merit-Based Criteria) such as dividing things equally among everyone (regardless of any qualifications of each person), random drawing of lots or "first come, first served", etc., which is considered an approach by most people. Feelings of “fairness” are acceptable. However, certain criteria may give rise to feelings. “Unfair” such as dividing according to the needs of the recipient Divide according to the preferences of the giver. Divided by seniority Divided according to tradition, etc. This feeling of unfairness may affect efficiency. and morale of people in the organization and their families Therefore, these criteria must be used with caution.

Families can create choices by specifying 1 criterion for 1 choice, giving examples of choices. of dividing apples between 2 children:

Option 1: Mother divides apples equally among 2 children (Non-merit-based approach)

Option 2: A mother gives her two children homework. Whoever finishes it first gets an apple (Merit-based approach).

Option 3: Mother draws lottery tickets for her 2 children (Non-merit-based approach)

Therefore, it can be seen that mothers can freely choose to use these criteria. Or maybe create a choice and give it to your children. You can still be the one who decides. You may mix and match these criteria, depending on your creativity.

But if setting the criteria in step 1 still cannot bring about justice. We need to think outside the box sometimes.

Step 2: “Expand the scope”

It's not just "apples"!

For example, Mothers do not need to limit themselves to just 1 apple for 2 children. Mothers may "expand the scope" or "change the problem" of solving this problem to say, “Providing snacks” sufficient to meet the needs of 2 children, fresh milk bread in the refrigerator Secretly stored chocolate Or a newly purchased banana might be given to another child who doesn't have an apple. Or add another snack to the mix with apples and let them decide for themselves. Or in the case of golden apples, Zeus might throw "bananas and golden oranges" into the party, which might make it easier for the three goddesses to come to an agreement.

Step 3: “Add the time dimension”

Another way to create new options is to "add the time dimension" as another solution to the problem, such as using the method of taking turns. Rotate and use Or share it with people who have never received it, etc. That is, each person may receive a different share each time. But in the long run, everyone will receive an equal share. For example, If this time the eldest child received an apple Next time the younger child will get an apple. Or the three goddesses may take turns holding it. That “golden apple”, 3 years per person, etc.!

This seemingly simple decision to “split the apple” reflects the complexity of our feelings and views about fairness in the relationships between people we deal with every day, and is a illustration of This problem is in a larger context such as the society in which we live. And as humans will not stop seeking justice any time soon, managing conflicts fairly remains the only solution that will bring peace, whether in our small families or society as a whole.

References:

Apollodorus. (1921). The Library (J.G. Frazer, Trans.). Harvard University Press.

Iyengar, S.S., & Lepper, M.R. (2000). When choice is demotivating: Can one desire too much of a good thing? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(6), 995-1006.

refer

[1] Civil and Commercial Code

[2] The choice overload effect refers to the negative consequences of having too many options. For example, a study by Sheena Iyengar and Mark Lepper showed that research participants were more likely to More jams will be purchased when there are only 6 types to choose from, compared to 24 types to choose from, for example. Moreover, the phenomenon of having too many options It may also be explained by “Cognitive Load Theory” or Cognitive Load Theory that explains that our working memory is limited. When faced with so many options The cognitive load increases. This makes it difficult to process information and make decisions.