When talking to people who want to be positive “Talk about difficult things. In the family business” (Part 3)
"Because for people who have that value...stopping talking doesn't mean stopping caring."
Have you ever wondered why it is us who initiates the conversation?
Why can the other person just stay cool and be the one who wants to talk?
It's not just the other person...now you want to add too!!
When a conflict arises People have at least 3 options for what to do with a conflict: (1) escape, (2) fight, and (3) find a solution. People who just stay cool and don't know what to do. Pretending not to see the problem Will be placed in the "run away" group. People who want to add positively, whether it's verbally or using force or by provoking the other person's emotions. will be placed in the “clash” group, while the third group is People who don't walk away and don't want to add Those who just want to solve problems are in the "find a solution" group.
Starts when at least one side is in “Find the Exit” mode.
We can start to solve the problem. When at least one conflicting party is in “exit” mode, two people in “escape” mode cannot talk to each other. Because both sides fled And we cannot allow people in “confrontation” mode to turn and talk to each other. Because they're adding together. But if there is at least 1 party that is trying to "find a solution" that is, he doesn't run away from the problem. And he didn't think tackling him would make anything better. That is the best starting point for resolving conflicts.
So why does it have to be us... who tries to "find a solution" unilaterally?
If you lose benefit from conflict...
If you are not happy with being in conflict for a long time…
Or if someone you love has been affected by conflict…
That is reason enough to be the one to start looking for a solution.
Therefore, even if the other party escapes or want to clash (Which doesn't solve the problem.) You must be the one trying to "find a solution" and think of reasons that will allow us to bring ourselves to sit down and talk about this difficult topic. We're here to solve the problem. Came to find a solution That is the ultimate goal. And the way to help us find a solution is to listen to him and understand him. And give him the opportunity to listen to us (sometimes) and understand us (sometimes). We didn't come to throw bombs back. (Because it doesn't help us achieve our goals) even though they throw bombs at us one after another.
Maybe you need “help”
But not every time. Every situation where we can solve conflicts by ourselves. or unilaterally
When you encounter a "wall" that you cannot overcome. It might be time for you to find help.
In general, effective communication is possible. When two parties have a good relationship with each other to a certain extent. Maybe it doesn't have to be to the point of loving each other to the point of swallowing each other. Or not to the point of hating each other to the point of not looking at each other. Relationships that are in the middle Between these two extremes is the point where “Communication to solve problems” can happen
The two factors we use to determine our approach to conflict resolution are (1) "relationship" between two people and (2) “Complexity” of the problem, for example If the relationship between the two parties is relatively smooth And the matter in question is not very complicated. Both sides may try to find time to sit down and talk and negotiate to solve problems without having to rely on a mediator.
But if the conversation doesn't end Can't find a way down It shows that the matter in question may be more complicated than you think, for example, there are many factors. There are many parties involved. And each party may have different needs, etc. Or the relationship that is "smooth" may not be as smooth as you think. It seems like it's going smoothly, but there may have been issues in the past. In such cases, having a “middleman” help may be a good idea.
3 Ways to Handle Family Conflict
When we can evaluate the relationship and complexity of the problem. We can choose a method to deal with that conflict problem by using the following Matrix as a guideline.
- Negotiation – This is the most basic way to resolve conflicts. Suitable for non-complicated problems. And the relationship between the conflicting parties is still good. If there is a lack of information for decision making, an "outsider" with information or experience may be found to share knowledge or information. An "outsider" in this manner is not considered a "middleman" who is merely an assistant in finding a solution. Once the information has been shared, they leave the meeting room.
- family meeting – This method is suitable for families with many issues to deal with. And the relationship between the members is still smooth. Family meetings may or may not include a “mediator” depending on the situation. Many families with time constraints may use a "counselor" to help mediate matters that need to be discussed. Help open up the issue of sensitivity. (that no one dares to bring up and discuss) and recommend options for decision making It will help shorten the time. If you choose to have a "mediator" or mediator, that mediator will usually be present in the meeting at all times to make the meeting go smoothly.
- Mediation (mediator) – This method is suitable for complex problems. Plus the relationship between them is quite tense. Using a mediation method with a mediator (Mediation) would be a good method. In the case where the relationship is not smooth But the conflict is not complicated. In this case, you may try to negotiate among yourself first. And if it doesn't get better, then you can find a mediator to help mediate, depending on the situation.
The important point of using mediation with a mediator is that the “mediator” must be neutral in the eyes of both parties. Not just any one party The mediator's job is to open the door of communication between the conflicting parties. Help capture the issue and provide a third-party perspective that conflicting parties may overlook, etc. So who can be a "mediator"? Some families have parents or "people with influence in the family" who speak and everyone listens act as mediators. But in the case of father-mother or a person with charisma is one of the conflicting parties Family may give “Family Council” in the form of a committee or finding a “mediator” who is an outsider to take on this duty, etc.
So how long do I have to endure (talking to people like this)?
If people who conflict with us are not lovable. Not worth talking to (Of course!)
When should we stop talking?
There are two important factors in answering this question:
- How important is that person to you?
- How much do you value your relationship with that person?
If you can answer these 2 questions clearly. The answer is whether to be patient or not. Or how long will I have to endure it? It's right in front of this, like he's not important to you. And the relationship with him has no value to you. You should stop talking. For example, to show a picture like Arguing with a vendor in the market or arguing with people on social media who comment and criticize us, etc.
But if the answer is He is important And you value your relationship with them, such as a business partner, close friend, or family member… What do you do when it really gets unbearable? Can you stop talking?
Of course you can stop talking.
When you've tried your best Full of intellectual ability You must accept that Everyone has a limit to change. And not every problem can be solved today, tomorrow, or this moment only. We may have to accept these realities. I want us to view stopping talking to people we value as a “truce” and when the opportunity comes, we can come back and take care of this problem again.
Because for people who are valuable to us...stopping talking (truce) doesn't mean stopping caring.
“Communication” is a powerful tool in resolving conflicts. Speaking and listening are two dimensions of communication. Used correctly, success is not far away.
References
- Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton And Sheila Heen, “Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most”, 1999
- Navaphol Viriyakunkit, “How to talk about money in the family?”, lecture notes, Stock Exchange of Thailand, November 25, 2023
