"Gratitude" in family businesses.
Why do cherished values create both attachment and discomfort?
"A good child should not disobey their parents."
"Don't do anything that will embarrass the adults."
"Once you graduate, you must come back and help the family business. That's how you repay the kindness!"
If you grew up in an Asian family, especially a Chinese one, these phrases are probably as familiar as a catchy tune played on repeat at every family reunion. In Chinese culture, "filial piety" is considered a high virtue that no one dares question. It's like a trump card; if someone uses it, the other party must immediately submit. But have you ever wondered why this seemingly good teaching makes so many people feel uncomfortable, pressured, and often leads them to seek help from psychiatrists?
The real problem may not lie in gratitude itself, but in the way we confuse different concepts and label them collectively as "gratitude." In practice, this supposedly important moral teaching is a jumbled mess of love, loyalty, obligation, fear, and hierarchy, rendering them inseparable.
This article will put you through an academic lens, gradually dissecting the structure of the word "gratitude" in a rational way, so that we can understand that "being a good child doesn't necessarily have to mean losing your individuality," and "limiting our thinking to simply 'gratitude' or 'lack of gratitude' isn't the best way to deal with such a complex concept."
The two extremes of “gratitude”
To resolve this issue, psychological research has presented... "The dual filial piety model" The Dual Filial Piety Model rejects the black-and-white view of filial piety (extremely good or extremely bad), but instead clearly divides filial piety into two dimensions:
- Reciprocal Filial Piety
This is the version of gratitude we all aspire to; a gratitude based on love, appreciation, and mutual care. It stems from a child's awareness of the hardships their parents endured in raising them, and the desire to repay them by providing physical and emotional care, especially in old age or illness. This form of relationship emphasizes equality as human beings and is driven by genuine emotional connection.
- Authoritarian Filial Piety
This is the source of headaches in many families. This kind of filial piety is based on the concept of hierarchy and submission. Children are obligated to suppress their own desires to comply with their parents' wishes simply because their parents hold a "superior status" according to the seniority system, or to preserve the family's reputation and honor.
Simply put, while the first form of filial piety tells us to “care for them because we love them,” the second whispers (or shouts) at us, “Just do as they say, because they are your parents, and you have no right to argue!” In traditional Confucian culture, love, respect, duty, and hierarchy are often inextricably linked. Therefore, a child’s disagreement or attempt to reason with them is often interpreted morally as “disrespect” or “ingratitude” towards their parents.
What are the benefits to mental health from being grateful?
Many people might think that the more obedient we are to our parents, the better and more pure-hearted we tend to be. However, this research has revealed the true relationship between two types of filial piety and human personality and behavior.
Individuals who practice reciprocal filial piety tend to have openness, agreeableness, and extraversion in their personalities. Furthermore, they possess strong empathy, the ability to put themselves in others' shoes, and the courage to express their feelings and open up to loved ones. Importantly, they have lower levels of anxiety and stress (neuroticism). In short, loving and caring for your parents with genuine gratitude shapes you into a mentally healthy and likeable person.
Conversely, those who strongly adhere to authoritarian filial piety tend to experience higher levels of anxiety, stress, fear, and neuroticism. Furthermore, they are less sociable, withdrawn from new experiences, and have a lower capacity for perspective-taking.
Why is that?
Scholars explain that suppressing one's own desires to strictly adhere to traditional norms creates significant inner conflict, especially in a modern world that values freedom and individuality. Furthermore, authoritarian filial piety is closely linked to traditionalism and male dominance. Therefore, blindly obediently being a good child may not necessarily mean you are a perfect person; it could mean you are carrying a heavy burden and are (quietly) rebellious.
Being grateful for the changes of the times.
As the world changes, the concept of filial piety is inevitably subject to the law of impermanence. Numerous studies consistently indicate that filial piety in modern society is no longer as sacred or demanding of complete submission as it once was. While caring for parents and paying respects to ancestors remain, the expectation that children must blindly obey without question, or sacrifice their own life goals for the family, is being challenged and rapidly declining in popularity.
The main reason is because... Authoritarianism in the form of filial piety is in conflict with modern societal values. For example, egalitarianism and democracy. When younger generations are influenced by universal values (or what many like to categorize as Western ideas), they question, "Why does love have to come with control?" Heirs who have absorbed Western ideas generally often wonder, "How can I love my parents while still being myself?" In contrast, traditional Asians tend to worry about, "How can I be a good child?" and "How can I maintain my identity without damaging family relationships?"
The good news is that reciprocal filial piety is likely to survive and thrive in modern society because it aligns with universal human values. The more society recognizes the importance of equal and empathetic relationships, the stronger this form of filial piety will become. It is clear that love, closeness, and trust transcend cultural norms, power, and limitations as fundamental elements for a harmonious modern Chinese society.
Will the family business survive or collapse because of the word "filial piety"?
When all these concepts are superimposed onto the context of "family businesses," especially Chinese families, a clear picture of the problems hidden beneath the surface becomes apparent. Certainly, Chinese families possess remarkable strengths, such as resilience, self-sacrifice for the common good, and the view of the business as a legacy to be passed on. However, problems arise immediately when "authoritarian filial piety" is allowed to encroach upon "relationship-based filial piety." In business families, filial piety often fails to function merely as a virtue but is transformed into a "mechanism for controlling power," leading to several serious side effects, including:
- "Fake Peace" The family seems harmonious, with no one arguing with anyone, but in reality, no one dares to speak the truth. The absence of arguments doesn't mean unity; it might mean fear.
- The destruction of the merit system in succession. An heir who accepts the leadership out of guilt may not be the most suitable leader, and a suitable heir who wants to pursue their own path is often branded as ungrateful.
- The confusion between "loyalty" and "appeasement". Authoritarian leaders often interpret obedience as love, filling businesses with employees (and their children) who simply nod in agreement, undermining sound decision-making processes that arise from differing opinions.
- Overlooking professionalism (Professionalize) Modern business demands questioning and reasoned debate, but authoritarian loyalty rewards those who maintain the hierarchy best, not those who innovate best.
So what's the solution for family businesses?
A sustainable family business doesn't need the most obedient children, but rather children who still respect their parents without sacrificing their ability to think for themselves. It's time for us to reorganize our thinking.
Separate "gratitude" from "obedience". Because these two words are not the same thing.
Separate "gratitude" from "the right to determine one's own child's life." Parents have bestowed immense kindness upon their children, but that doesn't mean they own the right to their lives.
Transitioning to a system of good governance. If a family still has to use the "ungrateful" card to control the behavior of the next generation, that's a red flag that your family's governance system is severely weakened. The new model of filial piety that family businesses should adopt isn't the old equation (Gratitude + Silence + Obedience), but rather a new equation that...
Strong and visionary business families don't teach their children to blindly "repay favors," but rather create an environment that teaches them to be able to... "A dignified succession, freedom of thought, and maintaining good relations." Because ultimately, "gratitude" is not the problem; the real problem is when gratitude is used as a bargaining tool.
References:
Baron, J., & Lachenauer, R. (2021). Harvard Business Review family business handbook: How to build and sustain a successful, enduring enterprise. Harvard Business Review Press.
Jaffe, D.T. (2020). Borrowed from your grandchildren: The evolution of 100-year family enterprises. Wiley.
Kets de Vries, MFR, & Carlock, R.S., with Florent-Treacy, E. (2007). Family business on the couch: A psychological perspective. John Wiley & Sons.
Yeh, K.-H., & Bedford, O. (2003). A test of the Dual Filial Piety model. Asian Journal of Social Psychology, 6(3), 215–228.
